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MAY SHOWERS
May 25th, 2023
Another year another May, but I can say this year feels better than I’ve ever felt. Usually, I’m secretly depressed, isolating myself from the world but this year I feel like celebrating. Celebrating the fact that I was blessed to know such a cool, funny dope human.
This May I have been really learning how to live in the moment and appreciate the people, memories, and experiences that we are given. Usually, this month is filled with mourning and sorrow. But as the years have gone by I’ve been blessed with people whom I love and care about and who deserve to be celebrated during the month of May. I truly in my soul know that Ebun is in heaven making sure that I learn to celebrate her and all the dope things she did in her short 16 years. Every day of my life I wish she was still here, however, I can still celebrate the times we did Have. I can celebrate the fact that this is the third year anniversary of my first poetry book “Who Really Fucking Knows”. I also have to give it to one of my friends’ mom whose son passed away and they showed me a different way of honoring and celebrating the life of the ones I care about. Choosing to do things that she would have loved doing while here. Eating foods that they would have loved and truly honoring our loved ones in those ways.
I truly thank God for allowing me to come to this place. It has taken me so long to get to this place when it comes to the people close to me that I have lost. But I also understand they wouldn’t want us down here loathing and mourning every time their memory comes up. Thinking about it I think it actually does more harm for them than good. Because they can’t truly enjoy what the other side brings because we are constantly in pain when their memory or name comes about. None of this is easy and I know I don’t really have any answers but what I do know is this month has taught me to celebrate life and enjoy the people God has loaned you for as long as we have. Nothing and nobody is really promised shit, but the more we move in love instead of hurt and pain, I think that’s when this journey becomes a little more easier.
TRUST THYSELF
Feburary. 28th, 2023
This month for me has been about trusting my relationship with God and my intuition. Sometimes when we love and idolize people in our lives we begin to treat their world as tho it came straight from God. I know that the women/people in my life mean/ meant the best for me. But I let those around me convince me that moving back home was “the best thing for me”. It wasn’t in fact. I feel as though this move has set me back a few levels instead of elevating me to where I needed to go.
To be honest I was tired of paying rent and paying for a place I didn’t feel 100 % comfortable at. I thought well if I am going to be uncomfortable it might as well be with family. What I did not factor in was the fact that family could also disrespect you as a human and your personal space and boundaries. But how they also can live with you every day and not truly know who you are at the core.
The other day I had a conversation with my mother just realizing that she doesn’t truly know who I am as a person. Don’t get me wrong she knows me as her “daughter” but she hasn’t taken the time or given me the space to know or allow me to be who I am as a human being. I know I am not the only person that feels like when they are around “family” they feel invisible and only feel like they are needed as a servant to their loved ones. I can only speak for myself when I say I am realizing just how disrespectful I’ve been to myself and what my needs, wants, and desires are.
This isn’t a blog to bash my mom nor my family I love them with all my fucking heart. But I have realized just how much I’ve let their voices and opinions sway me from where I’m supposed to go. I’ve chased their goals, ideas, wants, and needs for my life instead of listening to my own institution and trusting God. I’ve taken their advice and treated it as though it was the bible instead of consulting God myself. I also realize that when people give you advice or their opinion about your life is just that. They didn’t consult God on what they thought they should say to you. They didn’t ask God the plan for your life. They are speaking from their life perspective which 10/10 does not truly have who you are in mind.
Being the child of immigrants my family’s #1 thing is to survive and how you always need to think about your survival. But anyone who truly knows me at my core knows that I never wanted that in life. I believe life should be about truly finding who you are and what God put you in this realm to do. A life like that to me can never be poor. Because to be honest when I look at people striving for these things as their #1 value they don’t seem happy or joyous in life. They always have regrets, and relationships they miss or settle for. They always have reasons why the thing that would have made them truly happy wasn’t important enough to chase. It is never going to be my portion and I truly strive to surround myself with people that not only see and appreciate me for being me but who also strive to be their best selves and be on the path God intended for them. I am learning how to trust myself but how to also forgive myself.
WORD OF THE YEAR: DISCIPLINE
January. 1st, 2023
Discipline has always been something that I have run away from. It has been something that I have looked at as my biggest enemy. The relationship that we have is one of a rebellious child and a strict parent. I didn’t know why I have spent most of my life hating or resenting it. I felt like it was my biggest opp and it needed to be stopped by any means necessary. Maybe it was due to having to be my own parent at a very young age. Maybe it was because not only was I responsible for myself too young but also taking care of my younger siblings or having to make sure that we were all good and alive. I know that isn’t the type of discipline I need today or that I need to work on, however, it made it so hard to understand the importance of discipline.
I remember talking to my sister Jennifer a couple of years back. I was deep in my I did not want to partake in things that I didn’t want to do. I couldn’t comprehend doing shit now so I can enjoy it later. I was just stuck in the mentality that I must relax and enjoy since I felt as though I spent my life doing for and worrying about others. I didn’t understand how she embraced doing what needed to be done while I was struggling to make my dam bed in the morning. I was my biggest blocker while still looking outside of myself for the reasons I couldn’t do what I needed to. Yet I was so shocked when my goals and plans either never came to fruition or took way longer than needed.
I spent all of 2020 being sad and pitting myself, why me? Why did I graduate during a pandemic when all I really cared about was my graduation? Why did I end up in friendships that felt one-sided or that I needed to be a specific type of person for the relationship to “work”? I didn’t realize that my lack of discipline meant that I had a lack of boundaries, which also meant I didn’t love myself as much or as deeply as I thought. It was a wake-up call for me to realize I was my biggest blocker. Not a hater, not a witch, not juju, not a demon, but myself and the voices I let convince me to do what my lower self wanted to do. I was stuck on immediate satisfaction without knowing that working hard now will bring an abundance of reward and peace in my life. Trying to sleep or trying to “relax” when you didn’t complete anything you had set for the day.
I spent all of 2021 sad, and lonely, silently fighting a spiritual, physical, and emotional war. A friendship I cared so deeply about ended for good. I felt like I was alone and all on my own, yet showing up for people and pretending that all was well and that I was fine. I cried a lot of secret tears and took daggers and knifes out of my own back, and out of my own heart. I blamed my pain on everyone but myself. Began to hate the people I once loved so much. I was deep into my resentment, hate, and jealousy bag while hiding and masking it all. 2021 I spent the whole year blaming everyone but myself for how it turned out. All that did for me was prolong my dreams and goals. It made me look crazy and realize that nobody can help you if you can’t help yourself
2022 I spent healing and fixing my relationship with myself. Now that year I truly went through the dark night of the Soul, I truly dove deep into my inner child. Now mind you in 2021 I did the Hoodhealer’s inner child workshop however I just did the motion but not the inner work. It was easy to write everything on paper but with me writing everything, I was able to spend 2022 going through the deep depths of my heart, soul, and brain. I realized my disdain and hate for discipline came from feeling like I’ve always had to do what needed to be done, I’ve always had to put others first so much so the older I got I did it voluntarily. I inner stood that no matter how others may feel about me, or what others need from me. I gotta check in with myself. I have to make sure that everything I have to do and complete is the number 1 thing on my list and everyone else can come after. Picking myself is also discipline. No minimizing the things I work on, while also not bragging.
Looking back I can give my younger self a hug. Let her know that all the responsibility she was caring for adults needed her to act like one instead of a child is okay and not her fault. I would let her know that discipline was never and will never be our enemy. I’d tell her to embrace it early so it doesn’t feel like you’re behind or too late. I would tell her that discipline is our best friend and is here to give us the tools we need to succeed. The upbringing we had is one that will literally prepare and propel us up. There is nothing to be angry, afraid, or resentful of. Discipline is our friend, and although we know this now, I will still always give myself the patience to get where I need to get without being my own worst critic or enemy.
So Happy New Year guys and let’s embrace discipline and welcome her with open arms.
TWENTY FUCKING SIX
July. 13th, 2022
Twenty fucking six. First I want to be cocky for a second and hit y’all with some Kanye lyrics. “We wasn’t possed to make it past twenty five jokes on you we still alive throw yo hands up in the air and sing WE DON’T CARE WHAT PEOPLE SAY.”
I couldn’t explain the feeling any better. First and foremost thank you God for all you have done. Thank you for caring for me, preserving me, and showing me the dam way.
For me, this year feels so personal, and mines you know. I’m so used to giving every piece of me to all my friends and family that I feel like need me. Which is such a beautiful yet un noble trait. One it doesn’t give me time to myself or for me to work on my dreams and goals nor bring them to fruition. It was such a difficult concept to grasp until God forced me to be alone and innerstand that I couldn’t help nobody but myself.
So what did that look like and consist of? Well, I quit one of my jobs, so that I would have more time to focus and work on my craft/career. I began to live within my means (this was a hard one for me as I’ve had bad money management skills forever now). I began to structure my life as well as give grace, compassion, and love to myself. I went to the beach more, do yoga and meditate. Got back into writing every day even if it was a line or 5 pages. Learning to get it all out and have patience with myself. I consult with myself more, and check in with myself to see how I’m doing !!! Just more life, more love, more grace, and gratitude.
I’ve also decided that next year and beyond I will not be in the states for my birthday. I love to be on the beach in a swimsuit sipping cocktails, smoking weed, and enjoying a great read. Relax mother fucking sation.
The biggest and most important lesson I have learned so far is to take a leap. “Close mouths don’t get fed”. I used to have such a huge fear of looking bad, people making fun of me, my shit being wack. That I wouldn’t do, I wouldn’t take the leap. I was my biggest warden, bully, and tormentor. I had all these goals and expectations with no plans to achieve them but grief and sadness when I wouldn’t produce or accomplish my goals by the dates. I also used to overly pack my day just to get overwhelmed and do nothing. So this year we work with ourselves and our brains not working against it.
All in all this new year for me is starting beautifully and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Cheers to 26 May it bring love, blessings, and abundance my way.
NO BUT I SAID YES, YES BUT I MEAN NO
June 24th, 2022
I’m in a space in my life where I need to master saying no. I mean like I say no in my head but the people-pleasing inner child blurts out yes before I can even process anything. This always puts me in situations where I put myself on the back burner. This always makes me angry at myself. Leaves me with lots of anxiety especially if I put myself on the back burner as well as just lots of shame and guilt for never knowing how to choose myself.
If the answer is no why do I fear that I will be hated, I would be deemed useless, or even still have a fear of being whooped (which is crazy because it’s like by who ?)? But yes a lot of constraints and restrictions I’ve placed on myself. I’ve been the warden of my own mental prison for so long, all in the name of I could handle it and my loved ones could. All in the name of (they couldn’t survive without me) which the myth has been debunked people will be okay without me. It’s hard to focus solely on myself I always feel guilty and expandable even when I want to retreat.
I feel like one wrong move and my people don’t love me anymore which again is a myth that I have debunked. (So what is it really). I know I always speak about feeling my mother's pain in the womb but I swear I did/ do. My mother has always put on smiles and brave faces in her lowest moments. Wanting us to never worry or see the secret nor public battles she was facing. With me being able to see and feel this (while also feeling guilty for “choosing this father” ) at least that’s what we are told right? So for as long as I could remember it was like I was living to please my mother. Whatever she needed I did, even if it had nothing to do with me I would always find a way to fix it to the best of my ability.
It’s so fucking hard to let go of the people-pleasing. I almost feel like I’m betraying my mother by not being one. But how will I truly be disciplined and live the life I desire if I am always at somebody’s beck and call? Always ready to jump and sacrifice for those who won’t for me. It’s a very unnecessary concept that I keep working on to let go of. It’s like it’s embedded in me for all the wrong reasons.
I gotta remind myself every day that I’m meant to be here. I was not a mistake, a negative life changer, nor an abomination. My existence matters without always having to prove myself. My existence matters even when I’m being selfish and taking time for myself. My existence matters because I am here. I am God's child and I have a whole mission but also me to take care of.
This is one of those messages I always ignore but the older we get the more I realize the real nobility is in choosing me. <3
FINDING SOLANCE
May. 27th, 2022
I have to be honest. It’s so easy but hard asf to write a blog on how you actually feel in the moment. As some of you know the month of May since the age of 14 has been the hardest month for me ever. I lost my cousin Ebun in 2011 just 4 days after her 16th birthday. So whenever this month comes around unused to retreat, hide, and smoke/sulk the month away.
Since 2018 I’ve been trying to make a conscious decision to at least do happy things during the month. Whether that be travel, having beach/hike trips. Enjoy the scenery and beautiful food. And really those were beautiful things but I still hadn’t found a real way to not only mourn her death and the effect it had on me. While also honoring her and her true nature which was smiles, laughs, jokes, and love.
Ebun and I legit grew up together then moved away to different sides of Southern California. My girl went to Corona and I was in Inglewood. We had different worldviews and ways of life. Even through our minor disagreements and speckles of life. She and I truly loved and valued one another. So when she passed a piece of def got buried with her. I spent two years in a secret depression that nobody around me truly knew how to handle. In 11th grade, the school counselor started a grief counseling group. And it was once a week during our third period.
At first, my friend and I did it to be able to stay outta class but as the year went on, we both realized it was exactly what we needed. It began the forever process of dealing with, healing, and embracing our loved ones who passed away. Honoring them without attaching only pain to it. So I thought I was good after that but 2018 rolled around and I kept myself in a never-ending cycle of feeling like I hadn’t done enough and that I could have changed the outcome. Which I couldn’t. Like one how selfish of me to think it was all on me. Two why couldn’t I understand that God is at play as well and that I am not God, God’s child yes but God themselves never? And three she was going through things at the time my mind couldn’t have fathomed or truly helped her with.
This year I was blessed to receive a call from her mother calling herself Ebun’s mom. I was excited, she let me know she had a dream where I was crying hysterically and my mother couldn’t calm me down, nobody could. She said she came over talked to me and asked me about school and I was all better. I started to tear up because, since my cousin's passing, I was always afraid to trigger my auntie and her family. I made sure to be careful how I honored her without trigger unt her. And with all that the convo her prayer for me I was in such aww of God. Because it honestly was something I knew I needed never vocalized and never knew I could have. Like I didn’t know that much healing was possible. It was like we hugged and healed in a way that was just amazing.
She let me know and said thank you for always keeping Ebun’s name alive but to live my life and find a way to move on. Mind you this message since the beginning of the month had been said to me in many ways by different people without them knowing what I was dealing with. I always make sure to make Ebun my profile pictures from the 1st til after her birthday in May. This year I kept hearing “it’s okay, take me off it’s okay take me off” I ignored it because what everybody has to remember Ebun May her name live forever. But I now see that God and Ebun are happy that I keep her name alive I mean she’s tatted on me for God’s sake. But the guilt and obligation I have taken on aren’t what I need to do or is wanted. I can release the pain, anger, hurt, and fear associated with losing a loved one so young and so unexpectedly. But my angel told me to move on and keep her name alive by doing all that I meant to do in this world.
It’s crazy because for like 6 days I had been secretly going through it in my head about her, how much I missed, and how guilty I felt as time went on. But God said it ain’t my burden to carry and that we gone be alright. God, I love you I thank you, and s/o to my angel Ebun who always shows me that she’s right there no matter how far and long it’s been. I love you forever my Bunski.
May. 17th 1995 - May 21st 2011
CRITICISM
April. 26th, 2022
Why is it so easy to hold on to what is killing us? Why as a species are we so attracted to toxicity? It’s like (speaking for myself). Even when I know what I need to do. I find ways to allow myself to feel comfortable and or wallow about where I am at. This life is up to me, and if I want to change my circumstances then I should prepare to do just that.
For myself, I know I get caught up in the material wave. But I always know better than to base my life and feelings on that. I know that I have a different view which requires a different plan.
I also realized that I never used to take criticism well. I could dish it out but damn I couldn’t take it. Part of it was due to the way people relayed the message to me. But another part was me not being in a space to accept people's criticism of my life. I thought nobody knew better about me than me. This is true but you can’t always do exactly what you want to do you have to put into consideration how others may feel about you. However, we all still need guidance in some areas and shouldn’t shut down when we are being told what we need to hear instead of what we want to hear.
It was a hard pill for me to swallow. I had to admit outlaid that I could dish it but couldn’t take it. I had to admit that I prolonged my own progress by always quitting and giving up when things become “way too hard.” As any human, I love the easy way out, but that shit doesn’t progress you anywhere. So here is me making a vow to myself to not always be present but to see and hear when God is using people’s words as a way to communicate with me.
Nothing beats finally getting out of your own way. No more excuses just results and innerstanding. Also innerstanding it’s okay to fall and continue to get back up again. Who you were yesterday doesn’t have to define you today. Keep getting better, keep doing better. The only way to fail is to never try again.
TEST
March. 23rd, 2022
I have always been the kind of student that understood the theory, and the formula but lacked performance skills on tests. I have always been able to see the ins n outs but the test would always get my ass. Not that I would fail but I’d always land in the 70-80% range. It’s not that I would fail tests I just couldn’t get past a certain level.
I began to see how that also corresponded to my life. I can learn, grasp, and adapt even to what helps my accession and healing, but as soon as a test from the universe come I don’t fail, but I don’t really succeed.
See it’s easy to stay on the path when everything is together. When your pockets are nice when your schedule is how you’d like when your love life is on point. But when you are humbled and stripped of everything that gave you confidence and pride you have to dig deep and inner stand why you are in the position you are in. Why are tests continuing to repeat themselves? What lessons am I ignoring? Once you answer and inner stand the question. You see how you’ve been throwing tantrums where you should be applying your new knowledge.
I had to grasp in my head that yes tests will come, demons will test but it’s up to me too. Control how I respond. It is up to me to inner stand that God got me and see all meaning if you have malice and hate in your heart your day will come when you are met with that same energy. That literally has nothing to do with me. I do not have to subsume to the bullshit people throw at me. I can let them sit in it and smell how funky all the shit smells. I do not have to engage in verbal nor physical warfare to “prove” I shouldn’t be “fucked with”. Unless someone is physically threatening me there is no need to step to the level of people lurking to bring others down.
The point of the test is to show us that people are going to always be human. meaning tests will be thrown at us all day. We can choose to learn them or we can continue to get the same lesson, over and over, becoming harsher and harsher. It took me so long to inner stand this and now that I do. Can’t nobody knock me off MY PATH.
THE COURAGE IT TAKES ...
February 22nd, 2022
The courage it takes to chase your dreams seems so unreal. You are relying on a feeling, signs, and Oludumare. Nobody may feel you, and nobody may understand. Everywhere you turn somebody gots a “plan”. Yet you know deep inside how your life is supposed to go and the ways Oludumare has already shown you the way.
The courage it takes to keep on believing in what nobody seems to see. I really understand the meaning of “blind faith” and “having faith the size of a mustard seed”. It's crazy how deep inside you know and can feel the doors being opened for you. The ways are being paved for you. I truly deep inside believe and my inner voice is now louder than everyone else’s voice around me. I am ready for the level-up. I am ready to find my bliss and solace.
But let me not lie to anyone it took me about 25 years to get here. Before I lived in fear of disappointing the ones I loved and those around me. Everyone has so many expectations, goals, and aspirations for my life. I felt like my life almost wasn’t my own I was forced to be in this shell while my moves and steps were guided by everyone else. As a person who grew up people pleasing and wanting my loved ones to be proud of me, it was me fighting my inner being to conform. Even getting older once those voices became far and distant I kept them inside. I became my own prison warden and kept myself in a “straight line”. It took me 6 years to really realize that I actually don’t like being hard on myself. Being mean and my biggest critic only kept me scared and fearful instead of working and living my best life. Year after year I would make goals and plans, and get upset at myself for not meeting them while stressing about all the logistics around getting them done. It was a never-ending revolving door of planning, never executing, self-loathing, and starting the same process all over again.
So when 2022 came about I finally got an agenda as a gift from one of my favorite people. I started planning my weeks on Sundays and tracked what I was truly able to complete on a day-by-day and week-by-week basis. I broke down all my major projects and goals for the year and made them into things I could conquer on a weekly basis. This did wonders for me and my brain. Instead of getting upset with myself and condemning me for what wasn’t completed. Instead, I began to track myself and see firsthand what worked for me and what didn’t.
I noticed I am someone whose work days start at 2 pm. I used to think and beat myself up for not being a “productive” morning person. But the real reason is that I need my mornings to myself. To reflect, rise and get to work. My routine takes 4 hours and I def need a nap in between. I studied myself, realizing what made my body and spirit happy. What put me in the mood to conquer the day? Once I was able to analyze and create schedules, routines, and tasks that I could complete. My dreams stopped seeming so far and impossible, now they are close and tangible.
The courage it takes to follow your dreams might just cost you everything and everybody you know. It could cost you looking insane, as well as slightly being insane. Either way, listen to your inner voice, Listen to Oludumare because only y’all really know the plan for your life.
I AM ENOUGH
August 19th, 2021
Hey, y’all I’m back with another personal blog. I’ve been trying to learn how to be more transparent instead of passing my blogs off like lessons I had no involvement with. I think hitting 25 made me realize I didn’t hit any of my material goals really.
Yes, I graduated and I am so proud of myself but I had so many personal goals that I allowed excuses to keep pushing them back. Now I have hit the age where I was supposed to have “made it” and I’m doing some serious self-reflection. I was getting down on myself and feeling like a failure because one where did the fucking time go. And second what was I so afraid of?
My homie Dani had to remind me that I’ve asked for things to feel and look a specific way. This means for the greater good of myself and future generations I have chosen the harder path. So with that things literally take time to be perfectly situated for me. After our much-needed talk, I put things into perspective that things were happening exactly how I wanted them to. I am learning the lessons and understanding how to never ignore myself and my intuition again.
Learning to never be in harm's way in the first place. It’s like I have to embrace that my life changes so swiftly and quickly and be okay with it. I have to dance with life instead of trying to control her and make her my bitch. So easy to get caught up in what is, what should have been, and what we should have done. We must embrace the now and forgive ourselves along the way.
Also learning the true definition of surrendering to the spirit and allowing them to move through me.
HOW I'M REALLY FEELIN
August 14, 2021
Today’s blog is more about how I feel and honestly, I don’t know. I feel like I’ve been doing the HoodHealers inner child intense and I’m feeling things that I never really healed. I’m also realizing that a lot of people around me don’t take the time out to process or heal things that’s happened to them yet they build defensive mechanisms and attacks based off their experience.
I think I realized that all my life I’ve been always trying to prove myself useful and as though I am an asset instead of just living my dam life and letting people prove to me why they belong here. My abandonment issues have come up so heavy and deep in the last few months. I feel like friends and family always seem to abandon me when I finally do need them. It’s like when I need a shoulder to cry on I can’t trust anybody to whole heartily be that for me. Why am I always having to prove my worthiness yet require nothing from no one?
I’m tired of trying to prove my worthiness. And this is no one's fault but my own, however, I’m tired of feeling inadequate in my relationships and friendships. I’m tired of putting myself in positions that I know are not going to be helpful in the long run. Those days of my being my biggest enemy are over.
They say when you finally wake up you’ll see just how deep you were into the wrong shit. I have opened my eyes and no longer want to live like this. So no more trying to force me into spaces that were never meant for me. No more trying to prove to people why I am worth and belong in their life. And most importantly no more one-sided friendships. I’m done with all that shit. It’s time I stand up for myself and know who I am and my worth.
BRINGING YOURSELF UP (letter to myself)
March 31st 2021
There has to come a time in one's life when you realize it was always you in your own way. What I mean by that is all the excuses, all the reasons you couldn’t, and years just starting to go by.
I’ve come to that point in my own life, and I’m looking at myself like fuck, you’ve spent all these years inside your mind living a dream but ain’t put it into reality. I’ve allowed fear to persuade in new costumes, and I’ve allowed both outside and inside judgment to hinder some of my best ideas. I’ve taken a vow to myself that this is no longer how I want to live.
I don’t want to beat myself up every day because I didn’t do what I needed to do. I don’t want to worry about funds when God has time and time again shown me that all my needs are met. There is no reason to talk yourself out of ideas that God has given you. You worry about doing your part and allow the lord to show you exactly why you were given the idea, dream, and hunch. No matter what the world on the outside may look like, God gotchu .
2021
January. 1st, 2021
Happy New Year !!!! Y’all we have made it during of year of uncertainty disappoints, and triggers, that never should have happened, and thank God it did. 2020 for me personally was a year of lessons, humbling s, and reminders. When the year first kicked off nobody could have told me I was not walking the stage. Nobody would have told me I would have a beautiful poetry book full of grammar mistakes.
From rushed starts to foolish beginnings, 2020 taught me the best lessons. In light of everything that went wrong, a lot of great things went right. I had the time to sit down with myself and understand exactly who I want to be, who I am, and what I want to become. I was able to humble myself and make finical and grown-up decisions. I was able to also work on projects and ideas I’ve had and lied dormant on as well as get back into modeling and taking pictures of life and those I love.
Although 2020 didn’t go as planned it went as needed. It allowed me to understand that time is an illusion and that life was more about going with the flow than sticking hard-to-whack plans. I am grateful for this difficult yet spiritually rewarding year. Because I am able to go into 2021 knowing that I can conquer the world.
TIME WAS A LIE
November. 7th, 2020
As I get older I’m starting to understand that my timing is literally just in my head. These dates, these ages these time limits. God didn’t say that shit would take a specific time we are supposed to believe and know that what we want and need will be there right on time. Not when we think it’s right but when it truly is.
Moving back to my mother’s house is teaching me patience and how to truly humble myself. I tried doing it all on my own and welp my name and credit is fucked right now. All I can do is continue to work on my dreams and learn from my mistakes. This time away has allowed me to value people and things I have been taking for granted.
I am also learning how to live in the moment and stop listing about the future. I feel for the last 4 years I haven’t been truly living, basking, and thanking God for the present. I’ve kept begging and longing for the future that I was tricking off so many Moments and opportunities. From being one of my fav stylist assistants to being in one of my fav artist music videos. Sometimes it is you nobody else but you standing in your own way.
Well, starting today I will not be hindering my own success and lusting for the future. I’m going to work so hard that I don’t know what day it is. I’m going to enjoy moments with the people I love and care about instead of being busy cluttering my mind with bullshit.
My new Mantra
I am enjoying, living, and basking at the moment.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY GODBABY
August. 3rd, 2020
When my best friend told me she was pregnant, I was secretly happy asf. Little did she know I had been begging God for one of my close friends to have a baby. She wanted to have a girl so badly but deep down I knew he was a boy. When the gender was finally revealed in true Leo form my baby had to show us in a grand way that he was the Leo king in her belly. When life forced me to be at his birth I was scared to death I was convinced that my trip would be the reason I wouldn't make it. However, that didn't stop me from seeing him enter the world through his mother's portal. Her labor showed me just how strong women are, through her pain and struggles I just kept thinking dam my bitch is strong as fuck. She really pushing out a whole lil king.
When he touched down in the world on August 3rd, 2019, I couldn't believe what I had witnessed, and how instant my love for this child was. His arrival forced me to take life seriously because now I am accountable to this amazing tiny human. Every time I see his face I know that I can be nothing less great, I have to show him that you can be exactly what you want to be. The last year has been indescribable and his birthday party was filled with love and joy. My papa bear, lil lion king, thank you for choosing me to be your God Mom and filling my life with so much joy and life. Can't wait to celebrate every birthday and holiday with you. I love you beyond words.
YOU SLACKIN SIS
July, 17th, 2020
The hardest thing for me to admit to myself is when I'm neglecting my dreams, goals, healthy routines, and habits. For the last two months, I have completely abandoned my self-care routines, my morning routines, and rituals, and really any form of me working on all my projects instead of only half-assing one. Although I am in the process of moving I still could be making sure all my projects are moving forward. Instead, I have been putting them all off until I moved. I look back at all the time I wasted, pushing it off until the next day. It wasn't until I was talking about something to a friend that his response prompted me to rethink what I have been doing for the last couple of months, how I have neglected things that allow me to feel happy and at ease with whatever goes on in life.
I didn't tell him, but I wrote down every goal I had, and what needed to be down to make them come true. I wrote down everything I do and what all is and needs to be attached to my name. It was a reset, a refocus, and a reminder that procrastination is a cute excuse when you're in school. It makes you feel better there is a term for the problem I have and can't control. When it's your own goals, businesses, and projects it is impossible to make those same excuses. Once I connected my pushing projects, and dates and released as letting myself down I reevaluated and told myself we will do better in recognizing slip-ups before they become a 2 month habit.
To end this off I was slacking but I won't no more.
EVERY THAT GLITTERS AIN'T GOLD
July, 9th, 2020
When you are young, it's easy to forget the saying that "everything that glitter ain't gold". So imagine how easy it is to think that everything going my way was a blessing, while everything that was not was the devil. I was yet to know and truly grasp just what discernment is.
The point of this post Is to show my younger people that are transitioning to living on their own, that there are a lot of people praying for your fresh credit and name. They will see you and see ways to take advantage of you not knowing the laws, and exactly what a manager/owner can and cannot do. You will also run into older people those you know and do not, who despise the fact that you are young and have your life and opportunities ahead of you while their own lives seem to be stagnant with no way to get past it.
My first apartment was so beautiful and I was living with my sister. Not only was the place well-lit but seemed way nicer than what I grew up calling home, but it was also at a great price point for a luxury apartment. It was easy to get swindled by what was seeming to be a match made in heaven. My sister and I had been searching for a while at that point, while both of us were not only full-time students but also working full time as well. It wasn't until we signed the lease that the truth about the place began to surface.
It started when my sister got a new car. The manager went from a sweet lady to someone knocking on our door daily, having ridiculous complaints, none existent complaints. It seemed our apartment was her favorite to antagonize. Then came realizing we were being watched and monitored in the neighborhood we were calling home. We had the only "luxury" apartment in the ghetto. Our cars were broken into and my sisters' was stolen. The worst thing I witnessed was my neighbors who had a newborn, their car window was smashed where their baby would have been sitting. All these mishaps prompted my sister and me to leave and not renew our lease. We opted to use our security deposit as our last month's rent. When we moved out 6 months later we were served with a paper saying this same place was suing us for 4,000 dollars. We lost and they tarnished our names and collect money from us til this day.
It took me a long time to stop being bitter about the entire situation. I felt that the owner and management of the building tried to ruin women they knew were on their way to greatness. I ignored the situation until now when I am trying to find a new place to live. These demons are repeatedly coming up and blocking places that I can literally afford. It is teaching me the hardest lesson. To always trust God and remember that the devil will always present what you want with stipulations and issues never allowing you to enjoy it. As hard as it is to admit in our desperation I have ruined my name and for things that happened at 20 to still be haunting me at 24 is showing me that your name is all you have. you gotta treat it like it's the only credit card that matters.
My situation was an apartment but lessons like this manifest themselves in any way. What you do not want is for the lesson to become so harsh that it seems like there is no way out.
So please please please please always remember that "Everything that Glitters ain't Gold"
OLUWATOYIN SALAU
June. 20th, 2020
On June 15th, 2020 activist Oluwatoyin Salu was found murdered with a 75-year-old woman Victoria Sims. This girl risked her life to be an advocate and voice for Black people across the diaspora. At the tender of 19, she understood the importance of using her voice as well as standing for what is right no matter what obstacles she was facing in her own life.
Her death really struck me due to her being sexually assaulted and murdered at the hands of Aaron Glee Jr. He raped her a week prior to her disappearance, she notified the police as well as out her abuser. I feel she felt that no one had her back but maybe Ms. Sims also lost her life. It is a painful reminder that dark skin women are neglected we are left alone. The pain of seeing this beautiful Yoruba warrior snatched and repeatedly abused by both family and strangers.
I'II really wonder does the world understand the pain the dark skin women carry. The dangers in the back from lovers and friends. Trying to remind oneself how beautiful you are when the whole world is telling you that you are not. Does the world care about the love we hide because we have been made to feel like we lack the qualities to be loved? Are we not important? Do they know? I ignore these feelings and questions on a daily but when something like this comes as a painful reminder that we do not feel loved, nor protected. I fear the very men I want to love because I feel they will never truly value me.
Rest in Power beautiful warrior I am so sorry we have failed you. I am sorry about the abuse you thought escaped to endure the ultimate pain. I pray your soul has rest knowing we will never allow your name or life to be in vain.
GRADUATION 2020
May 21st,2020
Graduating during 2 global pandemics is insane, to say the least. For the last 6 years, I dedicated my time to figuring out who I was and what I wanted life to be like after college. As sad as I am to have a postponement this is the perfect time for me to take all my dreams from the planning stage to the fruition stage. So much in life has changed for me and I am excited and scared at the same time. The one thing I can say that graduating during such a trying time taught me is that nothing is certain all I do have are my dreams and who the hell would I be to not follow them? It removed the fear of failing and having to think of a backup plan. This time has allowed me to go my own way and watch out for everything I have planned cause it's big.
To my fellow 2020 graduates we fucking made it. Rejoice be happy and don't let them trick y'all into virtual graduations tell them to postpone those mother fuckers period.